When Political Scientists Ruled...

One of the most fascinating (and grotesque) parts of the 1964 Cold War thriller "Fail Safe" is the scene in the beginning of the film which introduces Professor Groeteschele, played by Walter Matthau. Professor Groeteschele is a world-famous political scientist, although he doesn't resemble any political scientists I know. In fact, he is almost like a James Bond political scientist. At the beginning of "Fail Safe", Professor Groeteschele is holding court at 5:30 a.m. at a dinner party that is in rapt attention of his political science theories. As the party breaks up at the ripe hour of 6:00 a.m., the married Professor Groetschele proceeds to escort a hot single babe home (in his convertible, no less); he then slaps her hard on the face when she makes an unwelcome sexual advance on him. He then rather ingloriously dumps her on the curb and drives off to the Pentagon for an early morning briefing on nuclear deterrence.

Watching this film from the perspective of 2005, I am perplexed as to what the film makers were thinking when they wrote the role of this bizarre political scientist character into the movie. I mean really, are there any political scientists out there who dress in tuxedos each day, drive convertibles, pick up hot chicks at A-list dinner parties, and have cushy gigs at the Pentagon advising presidents and generals on the nuances of nuclear strategy? Every professional political scientist with a Ph.D. that I have met (whether they beckon from the Ivy Leagues/Washington, D.C., big shot political science schools, or the Heartland) has been incredibly uncool, socially inept, and about as socially connected to high society as Gomer Pyle on crystal meth. Perhaps political scientists in the early 1960s lived in a different world, a world that respected their abilities as the high priests of deterrence. Perhaps this alternate, bizarro world provided these political scientists with rarefied perches along the highest and mightiest ridges in the social spectrum. As a political scientist, I have never heard nor seen any political scientist do anything even remotely resembling what Professor Groeteschele did in "Fail Safe". And I have never met a political scientist who drove a convertible (I have met a lot that drove beat-up Dodge Neons, decrepit Nissan Sentras, and ancient Oldsmobiles from the 1980s).

Perhaps Hollywood took too much artistic license when they made this film. If Hollywood remade this movie today, then can hire me as a technical advisor in terms of how any political scientist character is portrayed on the silver screen. My advice would be to cast Nicole Kidman as a world renowned political scientist who drives a BMW Six Series convertible, hangs out at posh dinner parties in the Washington, D.C. area until the wee hours of the morning, picks up a hunk at the party and drives him home (perhaps Brad Pitt would be available to play this role since he and Jen have broken up and Angelina is pretty damn weird), then slaps the hunk across the face when he makes an unwelcome advance (all the while holding court about the perils of mutual assured destruction and nuclear holocaust). Now that would be realistic...