The worst of 2005

Mr. Blackwell, the fashion-bashing guru known for his annual top 10 best and worst dressed lists, released his 46th Annual Worst Dressed List (this one for 2005). Here are the winners (along with my commentary on these de-lovely ladies...):

1. Britney Spears - Ooops, I did it again. What a total loser.
2. Mary-Kate Olsen - Oh Olsen twins, where did ye go wrong? I loved the Olsen twins when they made movies like "It Takes Two". But alas, these baby-faced losers rose too far and got rich way too fast for their own good. Mary-Kate resembles a bag lady on acid these days. Earth to Mary-Kate: If you have $100 million to blow, dress for the stars, not for the soup kitchen line. Also, try to smile once in a while. It won't hurt - I swear!
3. Jessica Simpson - I saw this individual in "The Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie" and I can't tell you which was worse: that ridiculous movie or Jessica Simpson. I accept the fact that dear Jessica isn't that bright. I accept the fact that "The Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie" is a total abomination to the values and tenets of the original "The Dukes of Hazzard" TV show. I accept the fact that Jessica Simpson was blessed with a body that won't quit and morals that won't start. I don't accept I didn't return "Dukes of Hazzard" for a total refund from Best Buy...
4. Eva Longoria - I watched the first season of "Desperate Housewives" this past summer, and I have to admit I was mildly amused by it (in the same way I am mildly amused by sitting in a strip club getting a lap dance). Eva has had way more than her allotted 15 minutes. It is time for her to enter Leavenworth Prison (I have a map, if she needs it to get there) and work off her excess minutes by never appearing in public again...
5. Mariah Carey - Didn't she have a singing career at one time or another during the Clinton years???
6. Paris Hilton - There is some conspiracy by al-Qaeda to undermine the United States by promoting the idea of Paris Hilton as a worldwide celebrity. When I think of the worst form of pond scum that can collect on the underside of a latrine, I think of this idiot. Can someone explain to me what the draw is about Paris Hilton??? I lost my Marvel Comics decoder ring to figure that one out.
7. Anna Nicole Smith - I saw the Anna Nicole Smith reality show and I was disappointed. She has totally gone to seed.
8. Shakira - I think Mr. Blackwell is being a little rough on this Columbian tart. In the interest of patching up America's frayed relations with our Latin American friends south of the border, I am going to protest including Shakira on this list. I need Condoleeza Rice to intervene and get Shakira's name off this list in order to improve America's global standing in the image of the world. Condi, if you can pull this one off then I will forgive you for your own fashion faux pas in 2005 and I will forgive you for the screw-ups in Iraq.
9. Lindsay Lohan - Ok, I saw "Herbie Fully Loaded" and I will admit that I liked what I saw in terms of Lindsay Lohan. "Herbie Fully Loaded" was a pleasant, family film reminiscent of the hey-day of the Disney empire of movies in the 1960s and 1970s. I will also admit that I saw "Freaky Friday" with Lyndsay Lohan and I was extremely scared of her co-star, the hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis. Compared to Curtis, Lohan was a dream. So why is it that Lohan throws away that goodwill through her drug-induced, alcohol-abusing ways? She has exceeded the Brat Pack and the Frat Pack in terms of outrageous Hollywood behavior. She makes Corey Haim look like an accomplished actor and makes OJ Simpson look like a responsible citizen in comparison. Can we hope and pray for a Lindsay Lohan-free 2006? Unfortunately, God is cruel and will not grant this wish for us mere mortals. So in the meantime, I am on the lookout for more Lohan bad behavior in 2006!
10. Renée Zellweger - I saw the Bridget Jones movies, and I have to admit that if I was a woman (which I am not) I would have laughed a lot more. Zellweger is the Sally Field of the 2000s - a fledgling mediocrity who somehow manages to make it lists like this.